Uggggghhhhh!!!

Warning: The following blog entry contains mean, snide, and maybe witty comments that I will take back in 24-48 hours.

I just got a Facebook message about a younger sorority sister (younger like she’s still in college and I’m way out) that I only kind of know about her being pregnant. In case you wanted to know there will be a baby shower in Kansas City and St. Louis in case I might feel like attending. I doubt the feeling will come!

Oh! And they just got engaged so be looking for several invitations in the mail this year! Awesome.

Sorry sister, I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to hear about how you got pregnant while you were actively trying not to get pregnant. I’m also not going to want to hear about all the challenges and bills that you weren’t even prepared for!

I hope you spend so much in diapers and formula that you don’t have any to spend on beer or a babysitter when you can drink again. I hope you never fit back into your college-year jeans.

Because didn’t you know that I’ve been actively trying to have a baby with my husband in a house that we built for a family? And I think it should go in order for who tried first. Or who’s older. Because I win in both departments.

Whew! I feel a little bit better now.

After reading said Facebook message, I cried. I cried because it wasn’t fair and it’s been quite a while since I’ve done that.

I try my best. I try to be the best student in class, the best teacher at school, the nicest person in town (only if you remember that I take back the above comments in 24-48 hours). I am back to going to church regularly, working out regularly, and trying to make healthy lifestyle choices. I try to save money and I even use freakin’ coupons!

I’m trying so damn hard to be a good sport about not being pregnant yet. I’m trying not to blame anyone (mostly because I wouldn’t know who to blame). I’m trying to keep a positive attitude and to mask my hurt when I hear another person is pregnant because I know they’re just living their lives as God planned.

I’m sitting here wondering why God has me want for something so badly, knowing that I was made to be a mother, and yet time and time again it is something that I cannot have. Every month I am put through a crazy cycle of trying, waiting, hoping, sending good and positive vibes out hoping that they’ll come back. And every month I am disappointed.

It is emotionally taxing.

It is hard not to be insanely jealous of those girls I thought were foolish for having babies so young. Because they’ve gotten to be moms for so long.

So today, instead of sucking it up and being tough, I’m going to sit here and cry for a while.