Be warned, there's a LOT of feelings that are written down. These are my feelings and I don't need them validated, praised, or shunned. It is what it is. If you don't like it, don't look at it. It's me being very raw and vunerable.
And it's really long.
January 1, 2012
Welcome to my blog of my journey to become a mom. My husband and I have been
trying for almost 2 years now to get pregnant with no success. I originally had
said that I'm going to be open and honest with my journey (because I thought I
would surely be a Fertile Myrtle). Now that we are past the excitement of we're
ready to expand our family, we've started to tiptoe into being scared that it's
not going to happen without major medical intervention.
The fact that we are not pregnant and several of my friends are becoming
pregnant is creating a weird energy in our group settings. No one wants to hurt
my feelings by being pregnant, I don't want anyone to feel bad about being
pregnant around me, and I sometimes struggle with jealously and that whole
"it's not fair" thing.
So, I decided to go ahead and do the "secret blog" for a while so
I can say what I want to say and not have to walk around on eggshells. Whenever
we do have the baby that we're trying so hard for, I'll reveal my superhero
identity but until then, I'm going to bask in the anonymity.
January 2, 2012
I know a lot of people wonder why I'm writing a "secret blog". I
have a personal blog, why not just share everything on there?
Well, because I can't.
I have always been a positive person. I was the kind of girl who could get
over disappointments fairly quickly or battle through them with an optimistic
attitude. If I wanted something, I'd work to make it happen.
This journey my husband and I have been on has really tested that positive
attitude. The longer we try and don't succeed while others can look at their
partners and get pregnant, the worse my attitude gets.
I normally blog about things that get me riled up, or things that I think
are funny. This journey started out really exciting and I shared that
excitement, but now it's really hard to not be a Debbie Downer. Every time I
want to write out my thoughts and feelings about what's going on, I just feel
pitiful. And it sounds pitiful. I'm just sad. And frustrated. And it's at no
one, so the entertaining factor is gone.
And who the hell wants to read about how sad I am?
So, I just blog less frequently and not about trying to have a baby as much.
Therefore, I don't blog very often. What I didn't realize, was how therapeutic
writing - I mean typing it all out was. I was carrying around a lot of emotions
that I felt I couldn't share with many people. And it was really weighing me
down.
That's why I chose an anonymous blog. I am pretty open to people who ask
about what's going on with the baby stuff, but I'm not telling everyone every
little ovulation predictor result. On here, I can be raw. I can say what I'm
feeling without half my friends thinking I've gone off the deep end. Because
sometimes, I'm dangling over the deep end and manage to get myself back to
sanity. I don't want to worry everyone with these massive mood swings.
So, just like Superman has to be Clark Kent to protect the ones he loves, so
must I adopt the secret identity of Infertile Myrtle.
January 6, 2012
Today we have an appointment to see a fertility specialist. I'm so nervous!
The hubby is having to come to this first appointment and I can't tell how
he feels about it. I know he doesn't like doctors but he wants a baby too.
I have heard that my doctor is pretty aggressive which kind of scared me at
first. But if you ask me how bad I want a baby, my answer is pretty damn bad.
I'm considering acupuncture and fertility jewelry for Pete's sake!
So, I'd say pretty aggressive is what I'm after.
The real scary part is the unknown. What can I expect from this appointment?
What will other appointments bring? What will he find out about why I'm not
pregnant yet? And to be honest, how much is all is going to cost? This is all
out of pocket for us.
At least some of these questions will be answered today.
January 6, 2012
I survived the first appointment with the fertility specialist...barely.
We first got there and filled out some paperwork. They were still copying
our drivers licenses and insurance cards when they called my name. The hubs and
I go back to the room and I do the whole half undress like I would for my
annual.
I'm going to note that I thought it was weird that we were doing an exam
before talking to the doctor. I brushed that thought away and the nurse came
back in. She hands my husband a sample of some sort that has a name on it that
is not his. She's talking really fast and my husband isn't saying anything
about that not being his name on the sample. I finally spoke up and said,
"His name isn't Kevin."
She asked him, "You're not Kevin?" Then she turned to me and said,
"And you're not Kelly?"
"Nope."
What happened was I thought I heard my name (since it sounds an awful lot
like Kelly) and must have run the real Kelly over in the waiting room when the
nurse called.
So I put my clothes back on and went back to the waiting room.
When the doctor came and called my name, and made sure it was me, we went
back and had a talk about what was on my forms, our diet, our sex life, our
marriage, and just about everything else under the sun. He overviewed the
process of what we were about to embark on and after hearing that I had really
terrible period pains, he thought I had a high chance of having endometriosis.
When it was really time for my exam, the doctor checked for endometriosis
and checked out my ovaries, the shape of my uterus, and all that fun stuff.
Just imagine getting your annual in front of your husband and that would sum it
up!
Now, I'm going to get into some stuff that could be too much information. Be
warned...
When the doctor was checking for endometriosis, we did the vaginal
ultrasound first. This is weird. It reminded me of what I thought it would be
like in an ultrasound like I would see on TV. Only, I know I'm not pregnant. It
was odd.
Then, he had to check by hand. Yep, with my husband in the room! (I would
like to make a side note about my husband being a total man's man and not
liking anything girly at all. Especially not something that requires my feet to
be in stirrups!) At first, it was the normal kind of thing you would expect
during an annual. Then, it got different.
I realized during our meeting with the doctor that endometriosis can be in
several places, but I swear there was a spin move involved where one hand was
checking for endometriosis and he was faced the opposite direction! It was so
hard not to laugh! I'm already in an awkward position plus being really
emotional from coming off my period and a round of clomid. Shake all that up
with being really nervous and it becomes a cocktail of inappropriate laughter
and comments.
What we found out was that he didn't think I had endometriosis. My ovaries
are the right size and have eggs but the sonogram showed them being dense. The
doctor said that although it appeared that I was having regular periods, I was
just having regular vaginal bleeding and wasn't ovulating regularly. But, and I
quote, "This is good news! That means we can stick with the clomid and no
surgery."
The end of the visit was the worst. I got dressed and headed out to the
hallway so they could draw some blood for testing. This wasn't my first rodeo.
Since starting clomid, I had been having my blood drawn monthly. This was
different than every other time because after she poked my with the needle, she
couldn't find the vein. Ouch! I nearly threw up! The hubs said he almost threw
up just watching.
After we left, I got to celebrate the best news I heard today. My diet is to
throw out all the low-fat, no-fat products and start eating the kind of food my
grandma made. As long as I don't go crazy with the potatoes and bread, I won't
see a huge weight gain. We celebrated by getting burgers and fries.
It ended up being an okay morning!
January 12, 2012
January 12, 2012
One of the possible reasons we have
not been able to get pregnant is because I most likely have PCOS (Polycystic
Ovary Syndrome). When I got my blood tests back, it said my insulin and
testosterone are high so I very well could have PCOS.
So what's the first thing I do? I
get on Google and read up on it.
Bad idea.
There wasn't a lot of good news on
Google. I'm not sure if I expected anything else but it still took me aback.
Here are some common symptoms of
PCOS:
· Acne.
· Weight gain and trouble losing weight.
· Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker
facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back.
· Thinning hair on the scalp.
· Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a
year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
· Fertility problems. Many women who have PCOS have trouble getting
pregnant (infertility).
· Depression.
Don't be jealous! I know it sounds
like so much fun to look forward to being fat, have acne, dark facial hair,
thinning hair, irregular periods, and fertility problems. No wonder depression
is a symptom! I'm going to be depressed if I get all these symptoms.
I do have the acne, fertility
problems, and have been depressed in the past. I'm not sure about the weight
gain. I'm a small person. I have put on some weight but I attributed that to a
less active lifestyle than I've had in the past. But as I've started to try to
get in better shape, I've been struggling. I wonder if that has to do with
PCOS?
I did make a decision, though. I am going to try to follow a
diet using the glycemic index to try to keep my insulin levels in check and
hopefully lose some weight.
January
12, 2012
Who gets excited or depressed about peeing on a stick?
This girl!
After learning about PCOS and realizing that I may not have been ovulating
every month, I have taken a great interest in peeing on sticks. Ovulation
predictors in particular.
Last month, I bought some ovulation predictors and pregnancy tests on
Amazon. They were cheaper because they were the kind that you pee in a
container and dip the stick instead of the kind you just pee on. They also didn't
have a handy dandy device that read the stick for you. That meant it was up to
me to decide if that second line was dark enough to say I ovulated.
I never got a solid two lines so I assumed I did not ovulate. My doctor
called with my test results and said I ovulated really well and she wouldn't be
surprised if I was pregnant. Well, that day I got my period. Boo!
So I stopped using the cheaper ovulation predictors and went back to the $40
ones from Walmart that showed me a happy face or a circle. Very simple, I like
it.
The only things about these pee sticks is that I hate that damn circle. I
pray for the happy face. And when I get it, it's better than Christmas morning!
I have seen the happy face a total of 4 times when I was regularly peeing on
sticks.
See, I'm a total Type A person. I work hard to get the best grades, be the
best teacher, be the best wife, keep the best house, etc... It irritated me to
no end that I couldn't work to get the happy face.
And don't get me started on peeing on pregnancy tests! That is depressing.
When my period is like 5 minutes late, I'll pee on three pregnancy tests. I
don't even want to know how much I've spent on them! And since I'm lazy and not
trying to hide from family and friends that we're trying to have a baby, I buy
pregnancy tests 6 at a time when I get my clomid prescription. And I feel the
need to tell the Walmart pharmacist that my husband and I are trying to have a
baby so she doesn't think I'm some hooker who wants to make sure there wasn't
an accident.
And the reason for writing all of this is that I got a happy face yesterday.
I hope this leads to good things!
January
13, 2012
I am a planner by nature. I like to know when things nare going to happen so
I can get my schedule set and have enough time to get things done. I believe
I've mentioned that I'm pretty Type A.
I want to plan ahead for the baby we don't have yet. I want to paint a
nursery, buy baby furniture, and start on about 10 Pinterest projects for a
baby's room.
I also don't want all my really good ideas to be taken and I end up looking
like the copycat just because it took me like 10 million years to get pregnant.
But I don't want to be that creepy couple who has a nursery all set up and
have people wonder if we're pregnant when we're not or assume that we're just
creepy. I also don't want to jinx us by being ready for a baby and not having
one come for a long time.
I have held off on buying baby stuff. But I have these bottles my friend
gave me. In a bag. In a closet. Behind stuff on a shelf.
And I worry about those bottles jinxing me.
January
21, 2012
So, despite me really thinking this month was the month, I found out today
that it wasn't. I had noticed some spotting but I was on day 22 so it matched
up with implantation bleeding. Plus it seemed to be the right color. Today, it
was obviously my period. And it sucked!
Not to mention that my period waits until I'm not wearing a panty liner just
so it can ruin another pair of underwear. What a bitch!
I laid down with my husband and just cried. And cried. And cried.
Seriously, I have a headache now.
I know it's such a 5 year old thing to say, but it's not fair! And it just
plain sucks. Why is it that it's so easy for all my friends to get pregnant?
And now I have to go to all these "You're so good at making babies"
celebrations. And I have to not be a bitch.
I don't know how to explain how I feel to people who haven't had trouble
conceiving. I mean, I was pretty level headed and of the mindset "It will
happen soon" for the first year. When we hit that year mark and I started
taking Clomid, I started being more panicky about not being pregnant. I'm
jealous, sad, and I attempt to be happy when I find out yet another one of my
friends is pregnant.
But it's mostly sad and jealous. Which, by the way, doesn't look good on me.
That brings around a whole new set of problems. I have friends who are
pregnant. I'm supposed to be happy for them, help them register, throw them
baby showers, and pretty much smother them with my love and support. I mean,
that's just me. Correction. That was me.
Now, when I find out another friend is pregnant, I cry on and off for a few
days. I get myself together enough to congratulate my friend and convince them
that I really am happy for them. Then I cry some more. Then I go into a state
of worry about all the baby-related posts I'm going to see on Facebook and I
worry about the baby shower I'm going to have to go to in a few months and
wonder about how I'm going to keep my shit together so I won't ruin everyone's
time.
The hardest part is that it's so not me to be a Negative Nancy. I'm a
positive girl by nature. I really feel like this journey is taking a toll on my
personality. I never had to make an effort to be positive and kind before. I
don't like this jealous person that struggles to just act normal around any
friends who are pregnant, or talking about other people that are pregnant, or
just thinking about being pregnant.
Every month, I go through this. Finding out I'm not pregnant, getting
depressed, and wondering how I'm going to not look like a psycho around
anything baby.
January
23, 2012
So, since I thought I had my period way early, I was pretty down. But then
it was so light that I was just confused. I called my doctor on Monday and they
did an ultrasound yesterday to see what the heck was going on with my business.
Was it my period or just spotting? Do we need to start medication and when?
The good news is I was just spotting. I guess I'm an extra fluid kind of
girl. My uterus lining is "nice and thick".
The bad news is he couldn't tell if I was pregnant or not. So the waiting
continues.
I have about 5 days before my period is supposed to start. Those are going
to be a long 5 days. I refuse to take a pregnancy test this early just to have
it be negative. I'm waiting it out. If it's going to be negative, I'm going to
have it be after my period is supposed to be here so I won't be tempted to take
a pregnancy test every 5 minutes.
On another note, I went to the eye doctor on Monday because despite having
Lasik in June, my vision has started to get bad again. I was really worried
about timing the corrective surgery during the first part of my cycle because
hormones play a huge part in Lasik. The good news was the doctor thought my
vision deterioration is due to the clomid I've been taking and my vision may
return to normal after I'm done with all this hormone business or after I've
had this baby we're trying for. And, if I do need corrective surgery, he'll
still do it without charging me again even if it's a few years down the road.
Two days of sweet relief!
January
23, 2012
I know, I know. Three posts in one day. You must be wondering if I even
work, cook dinner, or vacuum. Well, yes, yes, and yes. Just not today with the
cooking and vacuuming.
First of all, I don't feel good. I don't think it's from being pregnant. I
have had about 1/3 of my class absent this week with the throwing up flu. I'm
also exhausted. And now I'm paranoid about the flu.
I got home and immediately laid down in bed, but thanks to my dog, I didn't
get a nap. I've just been laying here feeling like crap.
My mind convinced me that these could be signs of pregnancy. So I took a
pregnancy test. And it was negative.
Boo.
Now I'm holding my breath and scared to go to the bathroom for fear of
seeing that my period has started.
I've been a mess of uncomfortable, tired, and emotional.
January 25,
2012
I think I really started my period two days ago. But I'm not totally sure.
It doesn't look like a normal period but what do I know about a normal period?
I don't know if I've ever had a "normal" period. I don't ovulate
regularly on my own, and sometimes I don't ovulate while on medicine.
I called the fertility doctor and he said to come in for an ultrasound on
Monday. At 6:45!! At least I won't have to use more sick leave from work. After
that, they'll put me on clomid again but start back at 50 mg instead of 150 mg
like I was on. I hope it's enough to make me ovulate. The thought of wasting a
month makes me sick.
On the upside, the hubs analysis came back. He was relieved to find out he
wasn't shooting blanks. I was too. He was actually right there in the normal
range and there was enough to artificially inseminate me hopefully next month.
On a I'm-a-big-whiney- baby note, my friend who only had to try for two
months started putting up sonogram and belly pics. I should be ecstatic for
them. I'm finding it really hard to be excited for them. Then I think about how
mean that is and I get upset that I can't just build a bridge and get over it.
It's so not me to not want to join in on my friends' celebrations. I want to be
excited and be able to talk to her about baby stuff and their plans but I just
can't get there yet. Let's hope that next month is the month so I can go back
to being myself!
January
28, 2012
I have been very open with my family about the hubs and I trying to have
children. I've been especially open to my mom. She is the most supportive
person (besides my husband, of course) of our journey to parenthood. I keep her
up to date with what's going on and what the doctor says. I am also able to
share my worries and fears with her that I am not able to share with many other
people.
After my ultrasound on Monday, the nurse told me to come back next Tuesday
and we'll see how my follicles are growing on this dosage of clomid. If it's
good, we'd do IUI (insemination) at the end of the week. Here is the first time
this process has inconvenienced my regular life. My mom, sister, and I have had
a road trip to go see a concert planned since October. And I'm really looking
forward to it.
To get to the concert on time, we would have to leave my house really,
really early on Friday. We decided to just leave Thursday night and stay in a
hotel room about 3 hours down the road. Well, my IUI hasn't been scheduled yet
but it could be on Friday.
I called my mom and told her about it. She surprised me by being kind of
short with me, saying I probably just won't be able to go. I had already
realized that. But it still kind of hurt my feelings (but what doesn't these
days?).
Later in the day, I got a text from my mom apologizing for being short but
she just didn't realize we were already at this step. To me, in the grand
scheme of things, this is pretty minor. I'm only on clomid and this will be my
first IUI. To my mom, it was a huge step because it's a lot more medical
intervention. I called her back and told her that this really wasn't a big step
from simply taking clomid. There are lots more drastic things that we can do if
this doesn't work. I explained it to her like my doctor explained it to us.
"Treating infertility is like a buffet. Some people come in at oatmeal and
some go straight to the golden truffles. We're going to start at
hamburger." Weird, I know but it makes sense.
We ended up just waiting to see when the appointment will be (grow follicles
grow!) and figure it out from there. That's why I love my mom.
February 4, 2012
If you thought your issues with whether or not to drink would start when you
had your first successful pee on a stick, you were wrong.
This weekend is a big weekend. We had people over tonight before a big town
dance and we are hosting a Super Bowl party tomorrow. Several opportunities to
drink. Several opportunities to feel weird about drinking.
The big town dance is a BYOB event and is usually a good time to get silly.
I usually would line myself up a sober driver and eat the gummy bears soaked in
vodka like everyone else. But I have been under the weather this week and I'm
constantly worries about getting drunk and messing up our chances to get
pregnant even before ovulation. This led to me nursing a glass of wine all
night. One glass. Four hours.
I normally just wouldn't drink at all. Actually, I really just wanted a lot
of water. But any time I set my glass down and was holding a water bottle, I
had a feeling that people were staring at me to see if I was really drinking or
not.
I can't be a person who just goes to the party and doesn't drink anymore.
Well, unless I want everyone and their mother asking me if I'm not drinking
because I'm pregnant. Seriously, I live in a small town. Not everyone knows the
difficulties we have been going through, but they do know that it's time for us
to start having kids. And that conversation goes something like:
Them: Hey! Oh, just a water, huh? Do you have something to tell us?
Me: No, just thirsty.
Them: Well, when are you guys going to start having kids? It's about time
for some little ones!
Me: Well, we're trying.
Them: Oh, did you guys just start trying?
Me: Nope. It's been two years.
Them: Oh...[insert awkward "gotta go" comment here].
It just gets too personal too quickly. And if they don't just excuse
themselves, they give advice like, "Just relax and it will happen."
Or they go straight to, "Are you guys going to to do invitro?"
A) I am as relaxed as someone who has been trying for two years to get
pregnant can be. And B) Gee, I hope we don't have to go that far.
It's just tough to go out and have a good time and not drink without the
whole town speculating on whether you're pregnant or not.
February 8, 2012
I went for an ultrasound yesterday to see how my follicles are growing. Last
week they said we might be able to inseminate at the end of this week. Now,
they want to do another ultrasound on Friday and possibly inseminate on
Saturday or at the beginning of next week.
This back and forth would not usually be a big deal, but I have the girls'
road trip and concert I had planned. Well, I had to make a decision. Go on the
trip and forget about insemination this month or go to the appointments and
miss the trip. It was hard, but I had to call my mom and cancel my trip. I was
pretty upset because I was so excited about getting away and getting to act
silly with my mom and sister.
I cried all the way home. I tried to keep my cool when I called my mom, but
she could tell that I was upset about not being able to go. So I cried because
I was upset about the trip. Then that turned into crying because I was already
having to miss out on stuff and I wasn't even pregnant yet. That turned into
angry crying at how unfair it is that even my pregnant friends can go on a
stinkin' road trip. Then came the angry crying over things I cannot control and
jealous crying over how some people can go and plan marathons and all that crap
around having kids because they can plan pregnancies.
By the time I was home, I was all cried out. I told my husband I was still
taking off work on Friday and I might just go do something like get my nails
done (daring him to say I didn't need it). I also texted my girlfriends and
said I needed an emergency girls' day on Saturday. Whether they go or not, I
see a new pair of boots, a pedicure, a new pair of dress shoes, and maybe even
a massage in my near future.
February 9, 2012
Tomorrow morning, I will be back in the stirrups at the doctor's office. And
I don't know if I'm more worried about when they will inseminate or whether or
not to take off my socks.
Yeah, socks.
A little background info on me - I like socks. I must have poor circulation
or something because me feet are almost always cold. I even sleep in socks
despite my husband thinking it is the weirdest thing ever.
Plus, it's February. That means it's winter, folks. Which means that my
tootsies are especially cold.
And that's where I arrive at my problem.
In the doctor's office, they tell me to disrobe from the waist down. Does
that include my socks? It probably doesn't, but then I think about how silly it
would look to be sans pants and panties but to be rockin' the black dress
socks. Like an old grandpa.
I'm really worried about what the nurse would say at the water cooler.
"I had this lady today that didn't take off her socks. She looked like an
old grandpa. I mean, we have the pink fuzzy covers on the stirrups. Just take
your socks off already! Geez!"
So, I will continue to take off my socks and run the risk of frostbite.
February 10, 2012
I had another ultrasound today (at $110 a pop, they're getting pretty
pricey!). My follicles haven't grown much. They show I'm at day 12 when in fact
it's day 15. I had a bad feeling I wasn't going to ovulate this month. It would
be too easy. Ovulate, get inseminated, get pregnant. There isn't near enough
torture in there. I go back next Tuesday to see whether or not it's going to
happen this month.
Tuesday will put our running total at $325 for this first month for doctor
visits alone. This doesn't include the semen analysis, blood tests, or clomid.
I guess it's good for us to start spending money to get us ready to pay for
daycare?? That makes me feel better, so I'm going with that.
The rest of my day was spent fiddling around the big town, seeing a movie by
myself, buying out Kohl's to redo my bathroom, and trying to shake a huge sense
of dread. One of my friends found out what she's having today, and we're all
supposed to meet up later for her to tell us.
And I don't want to go.
But, I've already avoided plans with her once this weekend (sorry, I don't
want to spend time with you in all your pregnant glory when I have to miss out
on a road trip to find out I'm probably not ovulating...call me sensitive).
Plus I'm starting to feel like a really shitty friend.
I'm so conflicted with this friend. Things have always had a competitive air
about them with her. Our husbands are very competitive with each other and it
seems to have overflown into our friendship. I like to think that it's mostly
her trying to one-up me, but I'm sure it's equal. And now she's pregnant and
I'm not. She had to try for two months and we're approaching two years. It is
really hard for me to control these feelings of jealousy and the personal pity
party that is always just one hurt feeling away. Everyone is telling me to suck
it up and move on, and I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult.
Part of it is that I'm terrified of having a breakdown around this friend. I
don't want to hear her encouragement because she doesn't understand. And for
some wacky reason, her consoling me doesn't make me feel one bit better. How
crappy am I? You want to try to make me feel better, well just shut up. I'm
also worried because we're usually at a public place. I don't want to freak out
in front of our group of friends, let alone in a place where there are total
strangers who may think I'm some kind of lunatic.
February 10, 2012
I'm buddies with the receptionist at the fertility clinic. Really. Not in
the I -call-all-the-time-so-we-chat-a-lot-way, but we are truely friends
outside of the clinic.
When the hubs and I had our first visit a month ago, I was really worried
about seeing this friend at the clinic. She's going to know about every
treatment we do because she's the one who takes my payment. It's kind of a
personal thing (2 words - vaginal ultrasound) and it had the potential to be
very awkward.
Surprisingly, it is comforting to have this friend there. I have someone to
chat to before I go in to see the doctor and she knows a lot about how this
works financially and who are the nicest nurses, etc...
Every time I go in, we have a little conversation at the window about plans
for the weekend or news about other friends. I always go back to my seat
wondering if the other patients think we're strangers. I'm sure they hear our
conversations because it's a small waiting room. I wonder what they think...
February 16, 2012
Or not. I was lucky enough to have another ultrasound on Valentine's Day.
Don't be jealous! I also got to pay $110 for this hot date with a nurse and my
doctor. And the news....no growth in my follicles. I called it. I had a feeling
that since I was missing out on my road trip that I wouldn't even ovulate.
The good news is that I have "a beautiful lining" according to my
doctor. Obviously he's really impressed. The only problem is that I have a lot
of little follicles growing and putting off hormones instead of one big
follicle.
So, no baby possibilities for me this month. I'll get my dosage of clomid
upped and we'll try again next month. When the doctor told me this, I think he
was really worried that I was going to cry. What he didn't know is that I had
already cried like a baby last Tuesday. And Friday.
On a different note, a love note if you will, I need to brag on my husband.
There are a lot of people who believe that if you're really in love you'll be
all mushy gushy all the time. And you'll want to spend every second of every
day together, etc... Sometimes I have wondered if what my husband and I have is
true love because we are not mushy gushy and we need breaks from each other.
He is honestly my best friend and I love him, but I don't like him all the
time. And I'm sure the feeling is mutual. But we are usually happy.
Going through this long journey of trying to have a baby has really taught
me that although we don't have the intense, passionate, want to be together
every second kind of relationship, we are in love.
See, the mister is a very manly man. He doesn't let his feelings show a
whole lot. But he is there for me when I get my period after thinking we were
pregnant for sure and all I want to do is lay down and cry. He doesn't even
have to say anything. He just holds me because it's what I need. He reassures
me that we will do whatever we need to do to grow our family.
And that's why we're in love.
February 18, 2012
Today I incurred an unexpected cost of fertility treatments. I had to get
glasses.
Last year at this time, I was nearly blind. Ok, maybe not that close to
blind but I had to have my lenses thinned or they wouldn't fit into my
frames...or any frames. My mom who is da bomb got me lasik surgery for my
birthday (or because she feels bad that I am the kid who needed glasses,
braces, and a good dermatologist). Last June, I had the surgery and it was like
God said, "Let there be sight!" It was amazing!
About 4 months after the lasik, I started taking clomid and my vision slowly
started to get worse. It took all the way until January for me to put two and
two together with my doctor that the clomid was the reason for my vision
deteriorating. The eye doctor can't fix my eyes until my hormones level out,
and for that to happen I have to be off the fertility drugs and not pregnant.
It's going to be a while until he can fix it.
So to get me through and make it possible for me to read the guide on the TV
and the scores on ESPN, I had to go to one of those cheapo places to get two
pairs of glasses for $99.99 and a free eye exam.
I feel like I should just open a checking account for all these charges.
February 21, 2012
So, since I didn't ovulate by the last appointment with my doctor, he gave
me Provera to take to make sure my period is brought on. There were 12 pills in
the bottle with directions to take one every day. Well, after only 6 pills, my
period started!
Why is this exciting, you ask?
Because it sped up my cycle by 4 days! That's 4 days I don't have to wait to
get this cycle going already! Woo hoo!
It helps to be grateful for the small things!
February 22, 2012
Yesterday I was all excited because my period had come a few days earlier,
which meant fewer days between cycles.
At my appointment today, I found out that the one follicle that wasn't
growing enough is now too large. This means no treatment this month. I'm so
aggrivated. Just wasting a month here.
I know it may not seem like a big deal to many people, but we've been trying
for almost 2 years. That's 24 months of trying with no success. I don't want to
have to wait until month 26 to get back on track. And that's only if my body
cooperates.
This sucks!
March 1, 20212
I've had this bad, ooogy feeling just hanging over me for the past couple of
days. Things aren't great at school, I've been feeling this huge disconnect
from church, etc... And it doesn't help that I've had an 11 day and counting
period.
I'm quickly realizing that infertility isn't just about my body not being
able to do what I need it to do to have a baby. Treating that hasn't gotten to
be too much for me yet. Sure, I go to a vaginal ultrasound or two a week (and
sometimes at 6:30 in the morning), and the clomid makes me a crazy beast. The
really hard part is the emotional part.
I'm a very Type A person. I thought I could plan this pregnancy (plan a
pregnancy...I just laughed so hard I snorted) to coincide with my summer break.
I thought we would have no problem. Honestly, I'm pretty successful at a lot of
things I work hard at, why wouldn't this be another one? Things that don't go
according to plan bother me. Not being able to have a baby on my own, let alone
on my "schedule", drives me to near insanity.
I'm ok with not being good at stuff. I have come to the realization that I
will never be good at basketball, golf, or cat herding. Right now I'm even ok
with the fact that most of my frozen crock pot meals have been a bust and ended
up in the trash. But I am seriously struggling with this having a hard time
getting pregnant business.
First of all, I have become a severely jealous person. Every time someone
new is pregnant, I find myself going, "Really? REALLY?!?" And it's
getting harder to be ok with it and really difficult to be able to not be a
psycho around my pregnant friends. I want to be a part of planning their
showers, helping them get through the pregnancy, doing whatever I can to make
that maternity leave easy, and just lovin' on those babies. That is me. Just
not right now.
Secondly, I'm trying to find some kind of peace and acceptance in waiting
for God's plan. I can totally see how this is a lesson in patience. I can see
how this would be a really valuable lesson for me to learn. I don't know how to
get to a place where I can wait for God's plan. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm
struggling. I don't even feel like I want to go to church, so I don't. I'm
paranoid that people will ask me about how things are going and I'll start
crying. I'm really paranoid about what people (who include many from our small
town and nearly all of my husbands large extended family) are just thinking.
It's hard to let people watch you struggle.
Thirdly, I seem to be my own worst enemy. Lately, I have been really
thinking about my feelings and actions. I've been trying to muddle through the
sadness, craziness, and anger to think about where it's really coming from. Am
I angry with my students because of this fertility struggle? Am I frustrated
with people at work because they aren't doing what I think their jobs are, or
am I just angry and they are someone to whom I can transfer that emotion?
I feel like I'm taking a step to work on my faith issues. I've contacted my
church to see if I can meet with the priest about how to accept this journey
God has given me. I also need some ideas on how I can do that with grace.
If this doesn't work, I guess I'll move on to a therapist or something.
I know I can't be superwoman who is a career woman, mother, amazing cook,
terrific housekeeper, and have a bangin' body. That doesn't mean I'm going to
stop trying. I just have to figure out how to keep my sanity along the way.
March 5, 2012
It's day 15 and I STILL have my period. I'm so over this period right
now...or I wish I was?? Whatever, this is freakin' awful. Plus I thought I had
the flu on Friday night. I woke up at 1:30 with my stomach turning and cramping
and I was freezing despite wearing heavy sweats and a sweatshirt to bed. After
some dry heaving, I realized I am just having terrible cramps. I was asking my
husband to put me out of my misery by then.
I don't think Provera is my friend.
March 8, 2012
My husband's family is big. He has
26 cousins. Just on his dad's side. We all pretty much live in the same town,
most of us on the same street. Back in 2009 there were 8 great-grandchildren
born. My husband's grandpa used to tell me we should make it 9 in 2009. Back
then we weren't ready. We had just gotten married and built our house.
Now, those cousins are on round 2.
And I swear, they are the most fertile beings on the planet! They can just look
at each other and get pregnant. It's sick (from my point of view because I'm
jealous).
They can decide if they want a big or a small
family. I'm working hard and worrying over having one baby. I don't even know
if my dream of having a large family is even in my future.
March 16, 2012
I am a teacher. I have a pretty full plate of responsibilities at school.
Some of those responsibilities are high needs students. I love them, but there
are a lot of extra meetings I have to attend, especially in the spring.
Before January, these meetings were no problem. In February and the
beginning of March, I had been able to avoid them conflicting with my fertility
appointments. Now, I have at least 2 meetings scheduled every week.
It's not so bad unless the parents don't show up. Then, I'm just sitting at
school until like 4:15 just to find out we will have to reschedule it at least
one more time. That's just another opportunity for one of these meetings to
conflict with a doctor's appointment.
So, while at one meeting and looking forward to schedule the next meeting,
my administrator tells me it's going to be when I may be going back to the
doctor. I told her it would probably work, but I warned her that I will have
some doctor appointments coming up with only 2 days notice. I told her that as
soon as I knew about them, I would let her know if there were any conflicts.
Reasonable right?
Well, she got her nose right in my business and said, "Really? You'll
only have 2 days notice?"
And before she could continue to doubt me, I told her that my husband and I
were trying to have a baby and going to a fertility doctor and there's not a
lot of control over timing.
The reply was, "Hmmm." A very doubtful hmmmmm. A hmmmm that
insinuated that I was just going to try to get out of meetings.
I was about to get on my soapbox and give her a little peek into how
stressful MY life was with expensive, negative, biweekly vaginal ultrasounds,
about how my family would always come before my job, and let her know exactly
where my priorities lie.
That's when our speech pathologist, who has had the same struggles and we've
talked about it, backed me up. She told the administrator that she and her
husband had gone through the same thing and there really was very little notice
with these appointments.
I went on to tell her that I could always use my plan period for any input
and would be mostly available for a conference call if needed on the way to or
from the doctor's office.
I left the meeting pretty offended. Who is she to ask me about any doctor's
appointments? For the first time, I didn't want to tell someone all about what
was going on.
March 26, 2012
So I started my period again. Not a terrible one (thank goodness because
after that 2 week, terrible pain period, I don't think I would have survived
another!) but a quick one.
I headed back to the doctor last Wednesday and told the nurse about my
painful and crazy period last time. She said my cyst that made that cycle
untreatable was around 35mm. That's like a ping pong ball! No wonder it was
awful.
They upped my dosage of clomid to two tablets each night. I haven't had a
whole lot of crazy mood swings or hot flashes, so good so far!
I go back on Thursday to see where we're at.
On another note, I'm feeling more comfortable around my pregnant friend. I
feel like I'm easing into the pool. Just doing a cannonball would cause some
waves, but again, so good so far.
On another another note, I started running again. And so far, it feels
pretty good!
March 30, 2012
I had an ultrasound yesterday to see how my follicles were growing. When she
started, the nurse commented on how thick my uterus lining was. Not praising it
like the doctor did, but was worried. Before she went to get the doctor, she
told me that it was the thickest lining she had seen and she had been doing
this for 20 years.
I told her, "Well, I'm glad you won't forget me."
She said, "Are you serious?"
"Nope, but I'm trying to make light of the situation because I don't
want to freak out."
The doctor said that I had already ovulated. This is good and bad. It's good
because a big part of my problem is that I have trouble ovulating. It's bad
because now we can't inseminate this month. Possibly another month of waiting.
Boo.
Double boo because this month marks 2 years of trying.
I took it hard. I managed not to cry in front of anyone in the exam room. I
wiped my eyes and headed out of the office keeping my cool [side note: how do
people who get really bad news leave? I don't want to scare anyone in the
waiting room and I sure as hell don't want people wondering about why I'm
crying at the fertility specialist's office.] I made it to my car and then I
cried all the way home.
And then I cried at home.
Then I did the dishes. And cried some more.
I just feel like I've been doing so much to be the healthiest me mind, body,
and soul that it should be time. I've started running again. I'm eating really
healthy. I'm nicer to my class. I'm attending church regularly. I've really
improved my craziness around pregnant people. I don't know if I've leveled out
or just gone numb to this whole baby thing.
Honestly, I really feel like giving up. I just wish it were that easy. I
can't give up because I'll still be wanting a baby. I know giving up wouldn't
make me feel any better either. I would just feel like a failure.
Have I mentioned that failing is one of my worst fears? I hate it.
April 2, 2012
Okay, I already did. This weekend has been a mess. I have been an emotional
wreck. With the stresses of having the thickest uterus lining a nurse has ever
seen, teaching heathens through state testing time, and trying to keep up with
everyday life, I've been one blubbering fool.
I honestly feel bad for my husband. He does not handle crying well at all.
He doesn't know what to do to make me feel better (and I can't help him because
even I don't know what would make me feel better). I have cried everyday this
weekend.
Saturday I cried because we went to a fish fry and I saw two more family
friends that I didn't know were pregnant and I think it caught me off guard.
Sunday I cried because I was feeling homesick for my hometown. I think that was
because I'm stressed out and not so comfortable here right now. When I'm in my
hometown, I can be taken care of by my parents, go to Walmart without anyone
really remembering who I am and ask when am I having kids, and just do nothing
and be okay with it.
Also, yesterday I started what seems to be another freakin' period! It's day
15. Will my body ever even out? I'm dreading the call to the doctor's office
because I can't even begin to think about what it means when my body does this.
Probably another wasted month.
All I know is that I'm tired of feeling like a Negative Nancy, a Debbie
Downer, an Infertile Myrtle. I'm trying really hard to get out of this funk,
but I keep getting dragged back down.
April 6, 2012
What a week! We finished up state testing this week which is why, even
though I was throwing up the night before, I came into work. I left after the
test to go back home.
When I headed back to school on Tuesday, I almost didn't make it. My car
almost overheated. So I would let it cool down for a while and drive another
mile. Let it cool down for a while and drive another mile. When I finally did
get to school, I had to bribe the dealership guy to pick up my car so it could
get fixed. Then, I had to handle a situation from the sub the day before with
parents on the phone. Plus my kids were awful. Awesome day.
It was sure to go downhill at the dealership when I got the bill for the
damage. But wait! They still didn't know what was wrong. They didn't even know
if it was a big thing or little thing. But they did know that it was covered
under warrenty.
Thank you Baby Jesus! Finally some good news!
I finally made it to the doctor on Wednesday. I have, in fact, started
another period. I'm glad that we don't have to just wait another month to
"get back on the horse" as my doctor would say. My doctor did confirm
that my last cycle was just plain wierd. I may have been weepy this weekend
because I was going through pms. I just don't know anymore.
I feel like a crazy person. But I know I'm crazy. That's not as bad as
someone who can't own it, right?
This weekend should relax me some. I am visiting my hometown where I get to
see my parents, my sister, and my G-Town friends. Today I drove into town, got
in my friend's car, and we headed out to see my other friend who just had her
baby. So precious!
And how about this for a compliment, the baby's doctor came in to check her
out and when he handed her to me (because it was so my turn to hold her) he
said, "Oh, you've done this a lot haven't you?" I just answered,
"Nope, but I like it a lot. N's the one with like 15 kids."
Lots of ups and down but hopefully an Easter weekend full of family and
friends!
After the doctor gave her a look of astonishment, N went, "I don't have
15 kids. Just 4."
Good times with amazing friends. And that is only the beginning of my
weekend!
April 12, 2012
I went in for not one, but two ultrasounds this week. And my body is finally
doing something that it's supposed to do! My follicles are measuring out to be
a good size and I have two that are going to be large enough to drop an egg.
Pretty lame life when you get so damn excited over ovulating. But my doctor
must be as lame as me because he gave me a fist bump for growing good
follicles.
Even better than the fist bump is the fact that we scheduled the artificial
insemination for Saturday! So very, very excited. And since I will probably
have two eggs, the chances for twins are about 10-12%. Exciting and horrifying
all at the same time!
When I left the doctor's office today, the nurse gave me a shot that I'm
supposed to give myself. Well, I told her that wasn't happening and she said my
nurse friends would be able to help me. Unfortunately, they were all at work.
So what do I do? I call my aunt who is a nurse and she helped me shoot up.
My issue with the shot is how do people give this to themselves? And what
about people who have to get daily shots? I'm praying so hard that this IUI
works because I'm a wuss with needles. And my arm still hurts.
April 14, 2012
Today was the big day. My first (and hopefully only) IUI (artificial
insemination). I was and still am very nervous. When I went in for my last
ultrasound, I prayed and prayed before the doctor came in that things would look
good enough to continue. And they did.
This time, my husband and I both prayed and prayed, and we're still praying
that the IUI worked.
This week has been tough. With things going so well at the doctor's office,
there was a lot of "you have to have sex this night and this night".
Talk about pressure! Don't get me wrong, I like having sex with my husband, but
it's sooooooooo different when you are told when to have sex.
How do people who have been going through this for months or years do it? My
husband and I were wondering about it in between his appointment and mine this
morning. [Sidenote: We were really jazzed about getting to eat out in between
appointments only to find that IHOP was a 30 minute wait, a great breakfast
buffet downtown was only a Sunday thing, and Panera was too far to walk. So we
ate at Hardee's and we got there too late for breakfast so we ordered burritos.
They were disgusting!]
Let's say this IUI works, then we spend the next several months super scared
of miscarriage. I'm like Mrs. High Risk for Everything. And, from what I hear,
parents spend a lot of time worrying about their kids. I guess the worrying
never ends.
Right now, I'm scared about getting my hopes too high for any procedure. I'm
almost to the point where if it doesn't work, I could be like "Oh well.
Just another month wasted. Nothing new to us." Terrible, I know, but this
roller coaster of emotions has been almost too much to bear. I seriously feel
like a crazy person. I wonder if I'll ever go back to normal or if this is just
the norm now.
April 17, 2012
I had an ultrasound yesterday to see if my follicles burst at the right
time, releasing an egg. Guess what folks? They did! I think most people would
get this excited about actually finding out they're pregnant. I'm just like,
"Woohoo! My body is doing what it is supposed to!" Because that means
that it can do what it's supposed to.
And now we wait. Boy, is that going to be a long two weeks! And I get to use
this great, really expensive medicine. It's a suppository. Nuff said.
On a side note, I was having terrible neck and back pain this weekend. I
mean, I almost couldn't get out of bed and I can't turn my neck so I have to
turn my whole body. And the only thing I could take for pain was Tylenol. It
was brutal. I had an appointment for my other doctor lined up for the day after
the fertility specialist so I could see what kind of meds I would be allowed to
take.
My fertility doctor felt around on my neck and back and asked, "Do you
trust me?" I was like, "Sure," and he cracked my neck old school
with a twist. I immediately felt better and while I'm not 100%, I'm a hell of a
lot better than I was yesterday!
April 17, 2012
I am the kind of person who tends to ask inappropriate or too personal
questions to people. It doesn't matter if I've known them forever or just met
them 5 minutes ago.
Usually, it's ok. I've even learned to start conversations with, "I
might ask some inappropriate questions. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just
really curious. You don't have to answer them if you don't want to." I had
a whole conversation a few weeks ago with my high school friend and his wife
about having kids and how to monitor your cycle...in a restaurant.
But when I REALLY want to ask inappropriate questions is when I hear that
someone else also struggled with infertility. A lot of people are ok with the
questions once they find out I'm going through the same kind of situation. Like
my sister-in-law, I know I can ask her all about what she and her husband went
through.
It's the people who are more like acquaintances who I worry about offending.
I have one friend/acquaintance that e-mailed me supportive thoughts and prayers
and shared her journey of infertility leading to in vitro to get their son.
Well, now she's pregnant with twins and I am so curious to know if she had to
do in vitro again or just clomid, and a whole bunch of other questions.
Just as I was about to e-mail and ask about how she got those twins, I
notice a facebook post on her wall about how she was tired of people always
asking her what she did to get the twins. Yikes! Good thing I read that before
e-mailing!
I never want to offend someone with my questions. That would be the worst!
But I still want to know. I don't know if she was frustrated with random
people/acquaintances asking these very personal questions or everyone in
general. We both shared our journeys so far, so do I fall into the infertility
sisterhood where we can talk about anything, or am I going to be one of the
nosey acquaintances?
For right now, I'm steering clear of that conversation unless it comes up
naturally, but I do still want to know!
April 19, 2012
Let's admit it. If you're struggling with fertility, you're probably going
to struggle at a baby shower. I got my first invite for one yesterday in the
mail. I do need some props because I didn't look at it with total dread. I will
admit, however, that I'm not very pumped up about it.
I've already been collecting a few things here, a few things there for this
friend. I've got the cutest onsie ever ordered and precut quilting squares that
should compliment the color scheme of the nursery on the way. But I didn't do
it with the great planning and joy that I usually apply to my gift giving.
What you need to know about me, is that I love giving unique, crafty, but
useful gifts. I am queen of the towel cakes, wine cakes (that one was amazing),
and personalized gift baskets. I like to think that I am a good listener and
usually give gifts that I know they really want, or great things they didn't
know they wanted until I gave it to them. I also like to do a little research
about the best products for the situation so I can include them.
I've built up this reputation of the person who gives the gift that doesn't
even need wrapping or a bag, it just stands out (in a really cool way) amongst
the other gifts on the table.
Now, I'm torn. I would love to just get a few things, throw them in a bag,
add a little tissue paper, and be done with it. But, I feel like this friend
would know it's because of my issues with not being pregnant. And as much as I
complain about my pregnant friends and how easy their lives are (I know I
haven't even entered into that world of uncomfortableness yet), I don't want
them to think that I'm a Debbie Downer around them.
I want them to see me as tough, resilient, and a trooper. Because I've been
so open about everything with my friends, I feel like they don't know enough to
be empathetic with me, but know enough to pity me. I'm the only one who will be
sending e-vites to this pity party!
It's very hypocritical of me, I know. I want them to realize that I'm
struggling, but not pity me. It's a fine, fine line folks!
I know you're on the edge of your seat to read about what I decided to do
about the gift. Well, I found a tractor diaper cake on Pinterest that I'm going
to try to make. I plan on quilting the blanket part myself and stuffing the
insides full of all the goodies I already purchased. This should be an
especially big hit because the nursery has a farm theme.
I can hear the whispers of all the ladies now, "That Myrtle is so
damned crafty! Did you know she made that quilt herself?" "Oh my God!
Did you see that onsie? Mama is going to love it!" "You know, Myrtle
has been trying for quite some time. I can't believe she can still come to all
these baby showers. She is so tough."
April 23, 2012
The other night I was talking to my sister and we started talking about what
kind of pregnant women we will be. She said, "I think I will be a glowing
pregnant woman who really loves it, and I think you'll be a mean pregnant
woman."
Excuse me?
I told her I think I'll be a hilarious pregnant woman. I'm going to
complain. I'm probably going to be huge. My feet probably won't fit into any of
my shoes. But I'm pretty sure I'll have something funny to say about
everything. Even if it is pretty snarky, my friends will think it's funny.
I know for sure that I won't be the kind of pregnant woman that posts how
blessed we are everyday on facebook. You also won't catch me posting about how
amazing and loving my husband is. It's not because he's lacking in those areas,
but I don't want to be a bragasaurus. I also don't want people to get cavities
from how sugary sweet my daily facebook status is.
I have trouble tolerating the people who constantly put that they have the
best husband (or wife) in the world, people who thank God for every little fart
they have, or people who think all their students are just precious angels for
real. Even though I do believe that my husband is the best for me (maybe not
for everyone, but definitely me), I am thankful to God for everything he's
given me, and my students can be ok on certain days...like weekends. I just
don't feel the need to tell the world this everyday.
Obviously, when we figure out we are pregnant and able to tell people, I'm
going to thank God. But I don't feel the need to do it on facebook everyday
because it's kind of like "Duh!" God rocks! If you don't already
think that, my facebook posts sure aren't going to change your mind.
Stuff like that annoys me. And I may not stay as quiet about it when I'm
pregnant because I can use being hormonal as an excuse. ;) I also think I'll be
hilarious because I will not hide the gross side of pregnancy. I'm letting all
my friends know the TMI details. People need to know!
Anywho, 8 days until we will know if we're pregnant or not. That's going to
be a LONG 8 days!
April 25, 2012
My husband and I were raised as traditional Catholics. While doing some research, I found out that the church is very opposed to certain fertility
treatments. Their idea is, "If God wanted you to have children, he'll make
it happen."
That leaves me a bit conflicted. While to a certain extent I agree with
putting things in God's hands, I also believe that I have to do my part.
(Anyone else sensing the Where the Red Fern Grows reference?). And I believe my
part is taking the leap with fertility treatments.
I also believe that if for some reason God doesn't want me to have kids, the
fertility treatments won't work. I don't think that fertility treatments or IVF
is taking the miracle of life out of God's hands. Life is a miracle and God
makes miracles happen.
Now, I'm not dissing on the Catholic church here. I think everyone is entitled to their
opinion and if doing fertility treatments makes me less of a catholic, a bad
mother to be, or just a crappy person in general, then so be it. Judge away.
However, I do think it's easier to believe that if God didn't want you to have
children, then the fertility treatments wouldn't work either.
April 25, 2012
That is the question.
I have entered into the week before my period is to start. And I swear that
the early detection pregnancy test is calling my name. I just stood there and
looked at it for at least 10 minutes this morning. Should I or shouldn't I?
On the positive side (literally if it was positive), I would know if this
IUI worked. I've had some spotting and I'd love to know if it was implantation
bleeding or just spotting. I'd also love to have some time to figure out how to
tell my mom since she lives 2 1/2 hours away and knows when my next period
should start (I swear that woman is charting right along with me - but I don't
mind).
On the negative side, I don't think I could take a negative result with that
crappy leftover hope that maybe I just tested too early and my hormone levels
aren't high enough. Right now, I'm checking all the signs and am very hopeful
that I am pregnant. I feel like I have positive vibe going on and don't really
feel like being down in the dumps.
So, for right now, I'll not pee and hopefully be able to wait until Aunt
Flow is in town or not in town.
April 27, 2012
That pregnancy test in my bathroom cabinet is like an open bag of Lays
potato chips in my pantry. It's not a question of if I will give into
temptation, but when.
I've felt like it's a lot closer now because the Progesterone I have to take
is now down to less than half of what I started. When it's gone and I still
haven't gotten my period, I can take a pregnancy test...if I can wait that
long.
This is the longest two weeks ever!
April 29, 2012
Sh*tD*mnM*th*rf*ck*r! I
seem to have gotten my period. Don’t get your hopes up about implantation
bleeding because all the websites say that it is just a few spots. And what I
saw today was more than that. A lot more.
been through the crying on the couch phase and now I’m just tired of it all. I
really thought I would be pregnant this time. Now all that hope I was harboring
in the last two weeks has been shot to hell. However, until it’s flowing like
the Nile and I’m stuck in bed with cramps, I’ll still pray for a miracle.
pretty good at having my conversations and prayers with God, but tonight it was
hard. I struggled to pray out loud without crying so I’m doing it here.
Dear Lord,
Please let this be a fluke.
Please don’t let this be my period. I was so sure that I was pregnant this
time. I really need a miracle now. I feel I have done my best to improve my
mind, body, and soul to be the healthiest me I can be.
I am really struggling to
see how easy it seems to be for most people. I know you have children planned
for my future. I don’t think I would feel this strongly about having a child if
that wasn’t my path.
This is so painful
emotionally. Please give me the strength to continue through these cycles of
ups and downs. Please don’t let me lose faith because some days I feel on the
edge. Please give me the strength to support my friends and family who are
expecting and to be joyous for their blessings.
Amen.
Now I’m going to go put ice
on my puffy eyes and go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
April 29, 2012
So after I thought I started my period, I haven't had any large amounts of
spotting since. This has given me some hope that a miracle has happened. I have
practically been holding my breath, trying to keep everything in.
But this afternoon, the pregnancy test in the cabinet won and I peed on it.
No line. Not even a trace of one! So, I have been spending the rest of this
afternoon coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to call the
doctor this week and go back in. And all those plans I had for a January baby
have been flushed down the toilet.
And I might have cried again during my run today.
But I also got some good thinking done. So here are my random running
thoughts about my fertility journey.
After I told my husband that I got my period on Friday, we had a long talk
and he was really concerned that I was being competitive with trying to get
pregnant. I am very competitive by nature, but I really don't think I am being
competitive about getting pregnant. I'm frustrated that some people barely have
to try, while we have been really working at it for 2 years. I want a baby, not
because all my friends have babies or are having babies, but because I want to
expand our family.
If this was a competition, I would obviously be a big, fat loser. And if
this is me being competitive, how can I not be competitive? I see it more as an
"I'm tired of waiting for my turn" kind of thing. When I hear people
are going to start trying for a baby, I always hope I get pregnant before them
because it is SO hard to hear of someone new, who started trying after us,
getting pregnant. So hard.
I also thought about who knows what's really going on with me. I have a few
people, like my husband, my mom, and my sister, who I let know everything about
our journey. They even know when I am expecting my periods.
I know a lot of people who are going through infertility choose to keep it
between them and their husband until they are pregnant and past the first
trimester. That is exactly what my sister-in-law did. I'm just not that kind of
person. I'm an over sharer. And talking to my "inner circle" is how I
get through things.
What I'm finding odd about myself is that I'm letting more people into my
inner circle, but I'm picky about it. I told my mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law
what was going on when they asked. The hubs' cousin cuts my hair and last
weekend while getting my hair done, I told her what was going on. I saw her
sister at Walmart last night and we were chatting and she asked about it and I
told her. But I haven't told some of my friends about it. I also haven't told
some of my family about it.
I think it comes down to how people will react to what we're doing. I don't
want to tell someone like my grandma what's going on because she'll just worry.
I don't tell some friends (especially the ones who get pregnant right away
because they have NO CLUE about how hard it is) because all I get is pity. My
sister-in-law went through the same struggles. My husband's cousins have also
struggled with PCOS and one was seeing the same fertility specialist I am.
There's not a lot of rhyme or reason for who I share information with. I
guess it's just who I think will be sensitive and supportive of our situation.
So much for having this huge surprise moment for telling our families about
being pregnant at the "right time".
May 1, 2012
Last night my period reared its ugly head. I knew it was coming, so I had
already done my crying and being pissed off about it.
What I'm really tired of is being so damn pissy all the time. Given, my
class at school is really giving me a run for my money right now, but that
shouldn't make me this miserable. And I know I'm pretty miserable to be around,
too. I feel sorry for my husband.
But, I guess he feels sorry for me too because he didn't bitch as much about
knowing he would have to go in and give another sample.
I'm just really frustrated with not being pregnant right now. And I'm mad.
And my students are acting rotten. And there's still 12 1/2 days of school
until summer. And I'm sore from running because I might as well try to not be
fat while I'm not pregnant.
Boo!
May 3, 2012
So, I was looking over my blog posts yesterday and noticed I had a few
comments I hadn't seen. I was pretty excited until I read one of them. It was
from the husband of the pregnant lady with the "ideal window" for
pregnancy. It said, "Thanks for making my wife cry. By the way, your blog
isn't so anonymous."
Hi. My name is Myrtle and I'm an asshole.
I wanted to be mad. How dare they out me like that, with their lives all
comfy getting ready to have a baby! But then, my real self came through and
felt really, really bad about hurting their feelings. I cried right here at my
desk with the threat of a student or two coming in from recess.
I thought no one would read this. I thought I would be able to bask in the
anonymity and say what I wanted and how I felt without worrying about silly
things like consequences for my actions. I mean, what a relief from my everyday
life where I struggle with what to share, what not to share, whose toes might I
be stepping on, etc...
So I thought about continuing on publishing my blog, but I just couldn't
justify it. I might hurt more than this one girl's feelings. And I don't know
if other people will ever understand that I don't dislike these pregnant people
because they're pregnant. As a matter of fact, I don't dislike them at all. I'm
simply jealous. I wish it were me that was pregnant.
I have to see their dreams coming true right in front of my face, while mine
are in a holding pattern. And there's not a damn thing I can personally do to
change it. Nothing. That's the frustrating part. In any other part of my life,
if I haven't gotten what I wanted, I can work harder to get it. Not with
fertility.
I did send an apology to the girl explaining how I was sorry about being
insensitive to their situation and I didn't think anyone would be reading this.
And it wasn't a reflection on anyone else but me. She was very gracious in her
reply and explained why she got so upset. She also said that she hoped I would
continue to blog because she enjoyed following our journey.
The risk of hurting people's feelings is too much. I need to be able to
express my rawest emotions without worrying about hurting someone or being
insensitive. Knowing that people I knew were reading the blog was a big
turn-off. I don't want to sensor my emotions. So, I'm just saving everything to
a draft. It's easier than creating a word document since it's always saved on
the internet.
May 3, 2012
While visiting with my insurance rep today to figure out the upcoming insurance
plan for the year and how much to put into my cafeteria plan, I found out
something interesting and infuriating.
I was wanting to put more money into my cafeteria plan for all this
fertility stuff. I made sure to ask whether or not I could use those funds on
that (but you can use them for Tylenol, so why not fertility stuff?). When the
rep called her boss to check, she said, "Yes, even though it's elective,
you can use it for what your insurance doesn't cover."
I said, "The insurance I get through you guys doesn't cover fertility
treatments at all." And I thought, "Duh! Shouldn't you know that?
You're my INSURANCE person!" I wanted to tell her, "My treatment
isn't elective. I didn't elect to have PCOS. I didn't elect
to not be able to get pregnant on my own."
I totally would have said that if a) I wasn't in a room with other people,
b) I wasn't at work, and c) she wasn't using the correct vocabulary by
insurance terms.
Did you know that most businesses can treat absences from fertility
treatments like any other elective surgeries like breast augmentation or a nose
job? One website used the example, "Would you treat someone going through
IVF treatments the same as someone going through chemotherapy?" Obviously
the person who wrote it and whoever the hell approved it hasn't gone through
struggles with infertility. Oh, but if I'm depressed because of the IVF, that's
different than just going through it.
Of course I'm freaking depressed about the fact that we can't have a baby
without help. I'm double depressed that we're not pregnant even with some of
the best help in the state!
I'm calling bullshit! Big time bullshit!!
May 9, 2012
Sunday was the baby shower I had been preparing myself for. My mom came up
and we worked on the baby quilt Friday and Saturday. We finished it on Sunday
morning despite some sewing machine malfunctions and the fact that I just
wanted it done (my mom had a hard time with the several imperfections). I spent
around an hour putting together my awesome tractor diaper cake. It turned out
to be pretty cool!
While sewing the quilt on Saturday night, I noticed my throat was really
starting to hurt. I figured it would feel better after I slept. It didn't.
Super sore throat on Sunday morning! And a headache. And I was exhausted. But
it's not like I could be sick and absent from the shower because it would look
very suspicious. Like I was wussing out.
So I grew a pair and went to the shower. My gift was a big hit (like I knew
it would be), we played some games (which are kind of annoying no matter who
the shower is for), and ate some cake. And I still felt like poo.
We had reached the end of the shower and I was helping clean up my table
when my friend's mother-in-law came up to me, gave me a hug, and told me I was
a terrific person and my time would come.
Cue the tears!
Luckily I was right by the back door so I just walked out and got some air.
My friend rescued me and announced that I was going to second hand smoke with
her. I got myself together, put on my big girl panties, and told everyone
goodbye.
I didn't cry because I was upset. I cried because what my friend's
mother-in-law said was sweet and heartfelt. And I cried because I cry really
easily anymore! I watched Undercover Bosses and cried for Pete's sake!
I turned down the offer to get a few drinks with my girls in favor of going
home and going to bed because I still felt like crap.
Turns out I had strep throat. And I had it bad. Two days out of school. What
a weekend.
May 12, 2012
So we're ready for another IUI on Monday. I hope it works. But I am glad
that we were able to try again without waiting. That's a good sign!
The bad part is scheduling at this time of year is tricky. Our appointments
are at 1:00 and 3:00 on Monday. This is also the last week of school. And I had
to take off last Monday and Tuesday because I had strep throat (while my
students tortured my sub). There are no subs to be had, but I was able to get
people to cover my class for the afternoon. Whew!
I am looking forward to a better meal between appointments since it will be
lunch. No more Hardee's for us!
I'm also really nervous about giving myself this HCG shot tonight. And it
has to be after midnight. What am I, a gremlin? My nurse friend came over this
morning to show me how to give the shot to myself or have the hubs do it. I
also have two needle targets on my body drawn on with a sharpie. Classy, I know
but I'm worried about this shot. I don't do well when other people give me
shots, how the hell am I going to give myself a shot?
We shall see!
May 15, 2012
We went for another IUI yesterday. It was stressful leaving my class at the
end of the year when they are all wackadoos, but good god was it nice to leave!
I'm a terrible person, I know!
I met the hubs at the doctor's office and he went in and did his thing.
The best part came next. And it wasn't Hardee's! We actually had a sit down
meal at a restaurant together. We never do that! And it was so good!
The hubs decided to try to go back to work so I went in to my appointment on
my own. I did get some good news; my Mr.'s little swimmer count was pretty impressive
according to the nurse. Then she did the dang thing and I read a book for 15
minutes while I waited.
I hope it worked, but I'm not nearly as hopeful as I was last time. It's
going to be weird when I finally am pregnant. Every time I find out I'm not
pregnant, I'm so sad that it feels like I'll never get my hopes up again.
Despite being increasingly skeptical about my abilities to get pregnant, I find
hope every time. But this hope scares me because there is such a good chance
that I'm just going to be let down again.
I'm always looking for signs that tell me it's going to work this time. My
signs for this time are that it's right after Mother's Day and what better gift
than to start my own journey into motherhood? Not my strongest sign cycle.
Speaking of Mother's Day, I thought it was going to be harder than it was.
All this celebrating moms when I am having such difficulty becoming one. But I
was so busy celebrating the moms in my life that I didn't have time to dwell on
it. There was also a Facebook friend who posted this:
"Today I woke up thankful to be a mommy and with sympathy and hope for
my Facebook friends who want to be a mommy for the first time or again, but
aren't. This day is hard but you aren't forgotten! Those of us with kiddos will
be extra grateful for our blessings today!"
Super sweet! It's nice to know that some people realize the struggle that
people like me are going through.
May 24, 2012
Things have been super crazy in our household. Between the end of another
school year, home improvement projects, and about 3 new books, I haven't found
the time to blog about much waiting sucks. And it does suck! But luckily, those
things have also helped to distract me for a week.
So right now I'm still waiting, and still taking the progesterone suppositories
(which are gross!).
Since this week was my first week of summer break, I have been getting up
with the hubs at 6:00 and sending him off to work. I'm sure he assumes that I
get my day started when he leaves. I actually go back to bed for a little while.
Today, I went back to bed for 2 1/2 hours! And it was AMAZING!!! But I also
thought, how the hell can I sleep so much? Maybe it's that being tired at the
beginning of pregnancy...let's hope so!
Another interesting thing that happened today was I got a text from a high
school friend that I had lunch with last month (with him and his new wife who
both didn't know a lot about how you get pregnant - such as they thought you
could just get pregnant any day of the month...amateurs!). He texted,
"Just so you know, your doctor is wrong. The way you get prego is by
having as much sex as you can possibly can as many times a day as you can...get
it started!"
I texted back, "Thanks for the advice Dr. Friend."
He went on to tell me that he and his new wife are pregnant. Woo hoo (that
was sarcastic). I'm happy for them, but I don't need advice on how to get pregnant.
I've already come to terms with the fact that it just is not going to ever be
easy for us and that is my burden to bear. I really don't want to hear how easy
it was for you guys especially since I shared what the hubs and I are going
through with them. I know he's excited and said we need to get on it so our
kids can get married, but it irritates the hell out of me when people assume we
just aren't having sex right or doing it often enough.
Trust me, the sex part is not our issue.
So, I'm working on keeping my irritation in check because I know he doesn't
know how hurtful and stupid what he said was. And I'm counting down the days
until my period shows or doesn't show (6 days).
May 29, 2012
Hello period. You suck.
I'm starting to think I'm one of "those" infertiles. You know, the
ones who seriously struggle for years? Go through rounds and rounds of IVF
without success? I'm getting worried.
I know it's only been 2 rounds, but getting pregnant right now would be a
really big surprise. Why? Because after more than 2 years of trying, we still
aren't pregnant!
Back to the doctor tomorrow.
June 9, 2012
Another follicle that is too big to do any treatment this month! Freakin'
bummer!
But since I'm looking for the positives in life, I'm hoping this is God's
way of letting me lose some weight for the wedding I'm in at the end of the
month. And since this wedding is the same date as my friend's due date, and I
had been telling myself that I might just die if I wasn't pregnant by then, it
may also be another message from the Big Guy about me not being in control.
So what am I doing with my month off?
I'm keeping my calories under 1500 each day. I'm running with a friend in
the morning and doing Insanity with another friend (my doctor office friend) in
the afternoon. I'm also going to have a drink if I freakin' want to and I might
just get smashed one night or two.
But this weight thing is starting to kind of bother me. I don't know if it's
from some of the hormones I've been on or what, but my scale keeps creeping up.
Yikes! I just hope I can get it under control this month and keep it under
control.
June 12, 2012
This past weekend, I was thinking about my fertility situation a lot. I have
started coming to terms with the fact that we may be headed down the IVF path.
I have been really intimidated with IVF because it is pretty intense. And I
don't want to just jump there because right now, my doctor doesn't see a
medical reason the IUI's shouldn't work.
So, to ease my fears, I went into research mode. And it did put my mind at
ease a little bit. I found out that it cost about $10,000 from my doctor for
the first time and $1,500 to use any embryos that were frozen after that. Plus,
there are lenders that specialize in medical loans so we could be in a place to
make payments instead of having everything up front.
Then there would be a chance of twins since my doctor will place up to two
embryos in at a time. And we would be ok with that. The longer this journey
lasts, the bigger my fear gets that we won't be able to have the big family we
have dreamed of. I seriously didn't think that would be an issue, but I also
thought I was Fertile Myrtle. So, even though I know twins would be so, so hard
it feels like it would be worth it to grow our family.
So, next time I go in, I will be discussing a timeline with my doctor about
what to do when.
June 17, 2012
Since I had to sit out a cycle from fertility treatment, I decided to really
get after losing some weight for this wedding I'm in at the end of the month. I
ordered Insanity, got my friend to run with me in the mornings, and I have been
keeping track of my calories. I've really been after it.
And after two weeks, I haven't lost weight. I even think I may have gained
weight. It's really scary. I feel like my body is against me. Not only is it an
extremely difficult task for me to get pregnant, now I'm gaining weight while
TRYING to lose it? And don't get me started on the acne!
It all makes me want to cry. I've been trying to look on the bright side and
find the positives in this journey, but I feel like I've hit a wall. I'm trying
to keep it together, but I feel like I'm breaking. I've come to terms with the
fact that we may have to do IVF, I've tried to make myself the healthiest me I
can be, and I've been keeping all my ducks in a row in the rest of my life.
I really feel like life is so much harder this year than in the past. It's a
combination of this baby business, work, and everything. I used to be able to
know what I was going to get with all these areas of my life. We were supposed
to have a baby no problem, so we put it off for a few years to enjoy being
married. I used to know exactly what I was going to get at work, I knew what to
expect and there weren't all these "surprises" that throw me for a
loop and get my panties in a wad. And so many things are simply getting on my
nerves that wouldn't have fazed me last year.
Why is my body betraying me like this?
July 5, 2012
I know I haven't been posting a lot lately, but it's summer. And I'm trying
to fit in as much fun stuff as I can while I can.
Last week, I had my 3 day appointment to see if we could do treatment this
month. I had spotted every day but 5 days last month, so I took any consistent
bleeding to be my period. I was getting so good at knowing my body, then last
month threw me for a loop.
At the appointment, the nurse told me my lining was still pretty thick and
made me take a pregnancy test. She seemed nervous about what the result would
be, but I knew it would be negative. I started the Clomid one day later than
normal. It turned out to probably be a good thing because I don't think I
started counting my period on the right day.
I had a wedding to be in that Friday and of course that's when the cramps totally
kicked in. I had cramps, diarrhea, and I threw up. The Mexican food and drinks
with my girls might have had a part in some of that though. But I'm going to go
ahead and blame my period. It seems classier.
Although I would have really liked to stay in my hometown through July 4th,
I had to come back for the HSG test to see if my tubes were blocked or not. The
doctor and nurses warned me that there would be some cramping, but it wouldn't
take long and I'd be able to drive myself. The hubs went with me for some moral
support.
"Some cramping" was an understatement! It was horrible. It was
only 30 seconds or so of cramps, but they were terrible, terrible cramps. And I
couldn't go into the fetal position because there was a needle going into my
uterus and shooting dye. I almost threw up and there was no alcohol involved
this time!
Good news was that my tubes were not blocked. Bad news was that I had to
wear a hospital pad for the rest of the day. Those things have you covered from
crack to crack! I felt like I was back in 7th grade with that monster pad!
Today I went back for another ultrasound to see how I was progressing. I
thought we were going to have to do the IUI on Saturday and I was really
worried. I start my July class on Saturday with a professor that I have never
met, and I dreaded having to write an e-mail asking to miss an hour of our all
day class to get artificially inseminated. Mostly because I would have to share
the whole story with someone whom I've never met and don't even know if they
give 2 shits about me trying to get pregnant.
The good news with this appointment was that we are not going to do an IUI
on Saturday, but I do have to go in for another ultrasound. The worrisome news
is that I'm worried, I'll get there on Saturday and they'll tell me I'm not
going to ovulate so we won't be able to do any treatment...again. And I feel
that if I don't ovulate, I don't have a regular period and I'm forced to sit
out for another round after that.
I'm trying to keep positive with this whole process but it gets harder and
harder each month. I'm starting to feel like I won't ever get pregnant. I feel
like we will just be trying and trying forever. If I ever find out that I am
pregnant, I may just keel over from pure disbelief!
My friend also had her baby in the last two weeks. I went to the hospital to
see him (he's a chunk!) and I also stopped by today to bring her some food and
hold that sweet boy. I love babies, but it was also a little bittersweet. I
really wanted to be pregnant before this wedding and this baby came. Maybe I'll
get pregnant now that the pressure is off, but my hopes aren't too high...
July 9, 2012
I went to the doctor on Saturday fully expecting them to tell me that my
follicles weren't growing enough. I got good news, they were right on track and
looked really good. Good enough for an IUI on Tuesday!
So I took my shot home and my friend gave it to me on Sunday. She's a nurse
and she doesn't count to three when she gives you a shot.
Tomorrow morning hopefully will be the day we get pregnant!
July 11, 2012
Fingers crossed, third time's a charm, and lots of prayers.
We had our third IUI yesterday. We went in at 8:00 and the hubs did his
thing, then we went to IHOP and had a great breakfast. I had to take my man
back to work and then get back to the doctor to hopefully get knocked up.
Before I even went into the building, I said my prayers that my friend (my
godson's mom) had given me and put the St. Anne's pendant in my pocket and the
St. Anne's bracelet on my arm. I was going into this appointment guns blazing!
I had a different nurse this time and she had some problems finding my
cervix. But it balanced out because she warmed the speculum. Don't
underestimate a warm speculum, it's divine! She finally found my business and
put the hub's business (which keep getting more and more compliments on how
great the count is) in.
This nurse was a lot chattier than my other nurse. And you know me, I love a
talker! I've noticed from a few other times I've had her during ultrasounds
that she's very positive. She set the timer, went to adjust my pillow, and gave
me a hug. She told me she really hopes it works this time.
I do too, it just felt really nice to have someone there rooting for this as
well. That's one thing I really like about this doctor's office. They are almost
personally invested in this journey with you. They are the ones that get to
give the great news, but also have to break the bad news. And I know from
talking to my friend that they do take it to heart.
When I got back into my car, I said the prayers again and wore my bracelet
all day. I also said the prayers several more times at home.
I really, really hoped this time worked!
July 20, 2012
The one thing about blogging about fertility is that for me, there's not a
lot going on during that two week wait to discuss. I've really been feeling
like this is it until I had 3 days of serious spotting. My hopes were dashed
back down to preparing myself for another round of IUI...or something else.
It would be nearly perfect to be pregnant now. My due date would be at the
beginning of April which would be awesome for my maternity leave. It would also
give the hubs a break from having to give a sample every month. He hates it so
much, and I hate that he dreads it because then I'm anxious about him being
ticked.
So, since it would be so great to be pregnant now, I'm probably not.
Another thing about the two week wait is that I swear people only plan
wedding receptions, trips, and events where I want to drink during the wait.
And it's a double whammy because not only do I not get to drink, but I have to
make up some explanation for why I'm not drinking at all. I don't want to lie
or pretend to drink, so I have just been telling people what's going on. Yeah,
it totally ruins the surprise of telling people when we finally are pregnant,
but I don't have the energy to keep up a charade.
I am seriously getting really exhausted by this whole process. I want a baby
so badly, but I feel like it's not going to happen. I can't even imagine what
it would be like to be pregnant. I also hate that this process seems to be
ruling my life. If I wasn't so sure that God is calling me to be a mother, I
would give up. This journey has been so long and hard and I honestly can't see
an end in sight. And it's really tough for a lot of my family and friends to
understand because they haven't struggled with it. With every month that goes
by unsuccessful, it's another step away from the large family I dreamed to
have.
This sucks.
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