Secrets, Secrets are No Fun

Today I had my first pregnancy ultrasound.  We got to see two little beans still sticking around.  All you can really tell is that they are little black dots in a sea of gray, but I'm just glad they're there.

Along with the ultrasound came the advice from the nurse and doctor that it's still really early so don't go telling everyone just yet.  Well, we kinda screwed the pooch on that one...

I get that we should keep this quiet.  I would like to be able to keep it quiet.  But I haven't been quiet about this journey.  And I don't want to lie to people to keep this surprise.  It just doesn't look good to not tell people what's really going on in your life (at least for me).  Several people knew we were doing IVF.  I think our moms were keeping a calendar of appointments, updates, etc...  And if you want to really understand what IVF is and how it works, you kind of have to.  I know my mom shared this information with her closest friends (with my permission).  I shared it with my close coworkers, friends, and family.  So when it comes time to see if we were pregnant so far, we have a lot of loving, caring people curious because they are rooting for us.

So we told them.

We also told them that it was really early, and just because they're here now, doesn't mean they're going to be here later.  Everyone got an education in fertility.

So when the doctor and nurse told me it was best to keep it quiet, I felt bad that I hadn't.  I was actually tearing up on the way home because I felt that I had done something really taboo and it might jinx my little apple seed-sized embryos.  Then I did what every self-respecting woman does when she's crying and upset...I called my mom.

My mom and I had had several talks about when to tell people I was pregnant, WAY before I even was.  I was talking about how I didn't like how people kept it a secret to the point of lying about it.  I also understood why people wait until the second trimester because of the risk of miscarriage.

My mom asked me if I thought people would be able to tell if I was upset should a miscarriage happen.  I told her, "Duh!"  She told me that if I would tell people what happened if I miscarried, then why wouldn't I let them support me from the start?  Good point Mom!  Moms really do know how put things in perspective!

So, I've given up the fun ideas of how to tell our parents (they called and asked, and I told), our friends (I sent a picture of the pregnancy test), and coworkers (they also got the text).  I will not be taping a secret video, catching their response as I say, "I'm pregnant!" instead of "Cheese!" during a family photo, or any other creative and cute way Pinterest may suggest to tell people we're pregnant.  If people ask, I'll tell.  I am planning on doing a cute announcement photo, but that's mostly just for me.

I'm realizing so much about myself along this fertility journey.  Today's lesson is I can't keep a secret, good or bad.