Strong Bonds

I really like people.  I love getting to know new people and having a large, diverse group of friends.  I treasure the lasting friendships I've had since elementary school.  I love the intense friendships that I formed in college.  I want to continue to grow the new friendships I've formed as an adult since college.

I like to think of myself as someone who creates new friendships and holds on to old friendships.  It's actually really difficult for me to let go of friendships.  This journey and struggle through infertility has really opened my eyes to how deep my friendships go.

I'd like to start off by stating, I think I'm normally a pretty good friend...when I'm normal.  I love supporting my friends and I feel so much love for my close friends that it borders on creepy.  I'd also like to say that I haven't been very normal for almost 2 years now.

The stress of failed month after failed month combined with the large amounts of hormone swinging fertility drugs I've been on has made me...well...hard to handle.  I have been a difficult friend to love.  I have been impatient, petty, and overly emotional just to name a few of the star qualities I have been exhibiting.

And to add to the fun, I've been around nearly all of my friends (and some really frequently) during this time.  So imagine the pleasure they've had while dealing with my snarky ass.

What I've found out through this suckass time is that some of my friendships are rock solid while others have turned into dust and blown away with the wind.  All of my friends have had to suffer through tantrums and tears from me.  They've had to deal with a variety of emotions, most of them unpleasant.  They've had to deal with the ugly side of me while rarely getting the real me.

My true friends have endured the bad attitude and hatefulness in one of two ways.  Either they weathered the storm and have been nurturing and loving from beginning to end; or they weathered the storm for about 5 minutes before telling be to quit being a bitch and put on my big girl britches and meet this fertility crap head on.  They've been supportive since day one without wavering.

Then there are the friendships that are more like dust in the wind.  These friends  have been there for a while.  They hung in for as long as they could, but when I became too much to handle, they backed off.  Some of them I still see out and about, while some of them I haven't seen or heard from in months.  I can't say I blame them.  I didn't like myself through much of this journey, so how could they?

Now that we're getting closer to our IVF date, and the time that will make me the happiest woman on the planet or the most depressed, I'm really noticing who's still sticking around.  Maybe it's the fact that for two glorious months, the only drugs I've been on is birth control (and THAT I can handle).  But I do have an incredible admiration to the friends that have stuck with me through the shitstorm that is infertility.  It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been fun but hopefully this IVF will work and I can spread the pure joy that I know I'll feel to them to thank them for being there for me.